Why I Wouldn't Spend a Day with My Father Even if I Could

Aug 27, 2014

The following is a guest post by my 16-year-old daughter Alexis.

A teen girl explains why she wouldn't spend a day with her deceased father if she had a chance to do so. #bipolardisorder

"If you could spend just one day with a person from the past, present or future, who would it be?"

I've seen this post on Facebook. I've thought about it. 

I have a few people in mind but, as odd as this may sound, there is one person on that list that I actually wouldn't spend that day with.

My father.

Some of you may know he died from suicide in July 2010. Due to his illness, he had been in and out of my life for a few years, so I didn't know him all that well. Yet, in 2014, I am still grieving over his death as if I had always been around him.

"Then, why wouldn't you spend that one day with him?"

The pain of seeing my father would be too much to handle.

I think it would just hurt too much. Can you imagine how painful it would be to have only one day with someone you know you won't see again?

I often have dreams like that, actually. 

In those dreams, my father comes back after all this time, as if he had only been hiding. Right when I'm feeling my happiest, he suddenly needs to leave again. This is the part where I do everything I can to stall his leave, but then I wake up.

I guess it's a good thing that I usually wake from the dream before he leaves, right? If I saw him leave, I might become too sad.

Back when I first started dreaming about him, something was always wrong with him. I knew something wasn't right. Those dreams always scared me. In my more recent dreams, he's perfectly fine, but he always has to leave me just as I become happy.

I honestly don't know which is worse: Seeing him broken, or knowing that I won't see him again after he leaves. Either way, it hurts.

Though I don't agree with what my father did, at least he isn't suffering anymore.

Was there a point to this post? No, not really. I just wanted to talk about this. He has been on my mind a lot lately. Maybe this will actually touch someone's heart, though. I hope it doesn't make anyone sad, but it's a sad situation.

You left me too soon, Daddy. If only you had talked to somebody about the chaos in your head. We would've helped you.

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  1. {{{{HUGS}}}} Thanks for sharing, Alexis. <3

  2. Such a great and touching post.

  3. Hugs. My father committed suicide when I was 15. Now I am 28, married and am homeschooling my 2 kids 6 and 3. He had bipolar disorder as well as schizophrenia and an addiction to alcohol. I would do the same as you Alexis. The pain is too strong. My 22 year old brother has bipolar disorder and I am in the process of trying to get doctors to understand yes 6 year olds can have bipolar, my daughter has the symptoms and with the strong family history I would like to get a diagnoses sooner than later. Alexis, You are a strong young lady to publicly sharing your story. I look forward to reading more guest posts by you.

  4. Alexis, thank you so much for sharing this! I completely get where you are coming from. My father died when I was in seventh grade - from a heart attack, the last of many he had during my lifetime, not from something like suicide - and I honestly feel like I'd feel the same way. I see that on Facebook and at first I think I'd love to see my dad, but then I think it'd hurt all over again in a way I'm just not strong enough for. Big hugs to you.

  5. Alexis, Thanks for sharing your heart. You are a very brave young lady. My father died when I was very young too. I haven't dreamed about him in awhile...

  6. This was so beautifully written and honest. {{{hugs}}} for your daughter. My heart breaks for any family who has suffered through this type of tragedy. I love that you do not shy away from speaking about your families struggle with Bipolar Disorder. This was a brave thing for your daughter to write and allow you to post. I applaud her :)

    1. Thanks, Cathy. I'll admit - it hasn't been the easiest decision to speak out about this. I feel a sense of panic about it every single time I post something. The stigma can REALLY scare the daylights out of a person. I worry about it a lot.

  7. Interesting perspective that I hadn't thought about before. My Dad died when I was a young mother. I see that post on Facebook from time to time and think I would like to see my Dad again for a day. But I believe Alexis is on to something, and since I have a Bible-based hope in the resurrection, I am looking forward to a time when I will see my Dad again, and I won't have to say goodbye.


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