Letter from a Daughter to Dad Who Died of Suicide

My daughter wrote this letter months ago. 

She gave it to me to post here, but I was caught up in other things at the time. It's a letter to her father. Today (July 3, 2015) marks 5 years since he died, so it's appropriate that I post it today. She turns 17 tomorrow.

Be sure to read the extra note at the bottom. I snagged it from her Facebook status this morning.

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A Letter He Will Never See
by Alexis

A sadness is always lingering.

Even when I'm as happy as can be, I still have a bit of an empty feeling and the sadness is still there - somewhere. I don't know if it'll ever go away.

I cry when certain songs play, not because they make me think of you, but because they bring out that lingering sadness. I guess it opens the gates of the emotions I've tried to tame. 

I know it's good to get everything out eventually, but I don't like being sad. And even though I could cry the night away, it's never enough to end the sadness.

Isn't it terrible?

I'm glad you aren't suffering through all the pain anymore, but why does it continue to hurt me? It's not fair. I guess it all means that I'm human, and that's good.

But I'm still sad...

...and I still miss you.

I've grown up quite a bit, but I don't think I'd be where I am now if it weren't for the events of five years ago. It changed everything for me. 

I've matured greatly - mostly in the past three years - but I also found out what all of my interests are because of certain events that happened after you left.

I'm doing alright, considering my struggles. There's a dark side to it all, but my mom is a wonderful woman. (Though you probably already knew that.)

I know she sometimes doesn't know what to do. But I know she loves me and that's the best thing ever. I don't know what I'd do without her. I'm glad I have her as a mother.

In the end, though, I miss you a whole lot. My heart is always searching for you or waiting for your return.

I still need you,
Alexis

A word about depression from her Facebook wall:

Five years ago, I lost my dad to suicide. I had seen him just a couple of days before. Nobody could tell such a thing was going to happen. He seemed perfectly normal. Perhaps it was that he wanted to seem fine on his last visit with his children? Or maybe he was fine, but the suicide was a sudden decision, pushed on by mental illness?

I'll never know.

But I do know that I miss him. I didn't know him all too well since he wasn't around for most of my life, but my heart aches for him almost constantly. Because in that last year of his life, he made sure to be a good daddy to his daughters, and I love him to another universe and back for that.

Daddy, I miss you so much. I wish you could see how much your kids have grown up. I always wish I could show you all the cool things I know how to do, now. (I'm not so bad at drawing anymore! I promise.) And Lorelai is just like you sometimes. She's funny, sarcastic, and yet she's a total sweetheart. I love her and I know you would, too.

I'm sure you'd be proud to know I am always doing my best to help others, which is why I'm going to say this:

Everyone, please do not dismiss signs of depression in yourself or others. Our brains play tricks on us when we're depressed, whether mild or severe. 

Depression can make you think 

• nobody loves you
• that you're alone
• that you can't, and never will, do anything right
• and that you'd be better-off dead.

Do not accept that.

Tell someone if you're not feeling well mentally/emotionally. It could seriously help. Keeping it all to yourself will only make you feel worse.

And for the people on the other side, who know someone in need of help: please listen. Help them understand they are loved, and let them know you will cheer for them when they need encouragement to get through life.

Please be kind to yourselves. 

If you suffer from depression of any kind, know there is help available to you. If you are contemplating suicide, please call National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

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